My friend C and I were out Christmas shopping...you know, not quite last minute...I remember the sun was shining...we were riding in her car...on our way to Target...my cell phone rang...mom was on the other end...she, Uncle G and J were on their way to Columbia...ODD...but not so odd that I questioned them too much...I explained my need to go to Target but mom said I should go straight home...believing that time was on my side I went to Target anyway...maybe not the best decision in retrospect but I knew deep inside that if I didn't go then, it wasn't going to happen...
I hung up the phone...relived the conversation with C...then began speculating the reason for the impromptu jaunt to Columbia...it's only an hour drive and popular Saturday activity for my mom to shop with me...but I went to far sinister places quickly...Uncle G was with mom - my first thought was that Grandaddy was dead...but then why would Uncle G have driven with mom...someone would need to be with Granny...so then I guessed you were dead...but brushed it off...maybe someone was in the hospital...or these guys just wanted to head down to Yesterday's in Five Points for some dinner...I had to babysit that night so I couldn't do much...
Mom was sitting on the steps of the apartment building...Uncle G and J pacing the parking lot...all had to go to the bathroom (or at least that was the story for why everyone was quiet)...It was an awkward moment...mostly I thought I was in trouble for going to Target...extending their wait time for the toilet! Mom did go straight to the bathroom, Uncle G was silent except for saying to me...that it was really bad or that it wasn't good...I knew already anyway...I was just waiting for the words...
"He's dead," said matter-of-factly...but really what other way is there to say it...I think I yelled, "no, no, no" or something similar...I remember C's hand flying to her mouth then immediately backing out of the room...at a loss for words...I hate she was there...not b/c I didn't want her there but...come on, that's awkward...especially since she and I weren't like besties for years or anything...
I'm not sure if I lost my vision, my ability to hear (as a result of a mild panic attack and shock), or just immediately tuned out...which apparently is my initial reaction to most things...I immediately wanted to be alone but I couldn't...they were there and wanted to comfort me...but I needed a minute to breathe...It didn't come....mom was feverishly packing my clothes...I wanted to do it myself...I know I just needed to control the situation...but I felt like I was watching it happen in slow motion...I was grasping at anything to give myself a since of control and balance in this chaotic moment...I had to ride with them leaving my car behind and the hope of a desperately needed hour alone to check in with myself...calm myself, make a plan for dealing with two grieving parents and the rest of the family...Mom put her head in my lap and cried most of the way home...we had to make a few calls on that drive some I remember, some I still don't...
I was worried about canceling my babysitting job...but mom ever prepared handled it for me before she came to deliver the news...she had actually stopped in the midst of the enormity of the situation to call BN to tell him I wasn't going to be there...She called my boss to tell him as well...She later told me that she had put herself together until she could get to me. She didn't want me to find out alone (the way she had, more later on that).
There is a lot that I don't remember about those initial hours...but I knew our lives would never be the same again...our worst fears had come true...the years of jumping at phone calls that came at odd hours...the wait to see how many days you would go missing hoping that you weren't in an alley...preparing mentally for the time that the phone or doorbell rang to deliver the news...preparing to help cope...but hoping that the news would never really come...
It feels selfish to wish you had thought about what we would all have to go through...your parents, your wife, you daughter...even me...People have to go through recovery for themselves not for others...but does the collateral damage get factored in at all?
There is a lot that I don't remember about those initial hours...but I knew our lives would never be the same again...our worst fears had come true...the years of jumping at phone calls that came at odd hours...the wait to see how many days you would go missing hoping that you weren't in an alley...preparing mentally for the time that the phone or doorbell rang to deliver the news...preparing to help cope...but hoping that the news would never really come...
It feels selfish to wish you had thought about what we would all have to go through...your parents, your wife, you daughter...even me...People have to go through recovery for themselves not for others...but does the collateral damage get factored in at all?
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