The first time you went to rehab...

Bobby: See, that's the part I don't get, Craig. I mean, you're cool, you're smart, you're talented. You have a family that loves you. You know, what I would do just to be you, for just a day? I would... I would do so much. I would... I don't know. I would just... I'd just live. Like it meant something. (It's Kind of a Funny Story)

Dear Brother:

The first time you went to rehab...My memory is fuzzy if I found out you were at Charter before or after I went home for a visit during college...but either way I was the last to know...a secret kept from me so I didn't have to know what was going on at home...Mom, Dad and I drove over to visit you there...I remember feeling uncomfortable...but you were angry...didn't want to be there...I can't remember what you said...I remember the biting tone...your face is burned into my memory as you turned back to look at us...scared, hurt, angry but you had what they call a shit eating grin on your face...we were all hurt, scared and angry...but I don't remember ever trying to express it...I swallowed it...

Later, you told mom that they were mean maybe even abusive to you there...was it aggressive treatment or something more...that worries me...teenagers sent/going to facilities to get help...troubled often "in trouble"...easy targets for those with less than good intentions...I don't know what you went through at that place but I hate for you that you had to go...

At the time I was mad at you...mad because I saw how our parent's worried, cried, lost sleep...my victories, pains, and silly moment often downplayed b/c you were missing for days at a time...or kicked out of school...All of my friends with high school aged brothers and sisters were visiting them at college...we took them to our sorority parties...but I could not do the same...bad idea b/c you had a problem with drinking and drugs...You were also kind of a tattle-tale!  I never told anyone I was mad...or that I felt slighted...I probably made smart ass comments but I was a college kid...not equipped to realize the magnitude of things to come...I also was left out of the loop...sometimes mom wouldn't tell me what was going on but I could hear it in her voice...she worried...mostly that you were hungry, cold and maybe even alone...her worst fear was that she would get that knock on the door in the middle of the night...I'm sure all parent's have that worry when their child walks out the door...but I know how she felt.  I rehearsed the phone conversation in my head...I lived an hour away so I assumed it would be a phone call...It's a helpless place to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. 

Now I wonder if I could have helped at all...if I was being protected or if I was just blind.  The first time I heard this song below I thought of you....

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