Amy Winehouse - Musician, Artist, Daughter, Friend

My memory of Amy Winehouse will always involve her Back to Black album (2006)...her voice, that retro soul vibe, and catchy lyrics...every store I walked into during my study abroad the summer of 2009 was either playing Amy Winehouse or Michael Jackson as I hopped from country to country...so no matter what language was spoken the music comforted me... her music's impact will never be considered fleeting...and the songs that exist although few will be treated as treasures and serve as inspiration for generations to come...

The world lost a great artist but her friends and family lost a person who held a place in their hearts...these are the people who spent their days and nights worrying about her...hoping she was safe...really hoping that this time was the last time...that recovery road was the path she would choose...she is a person not headline fodder to the people who knew, truly loved, and wished the best for her...

While the world speculates over her death and await a toxicology screening to confirm their suspicious...a family is cursing the disease and maybe even the complications that come with recovery that took their loved one, friends are probably worrying they didn't do enough...I have seen awful mean spirited things written about this talented woman...even by someone in my own family who knows the feeling of losing a family member to addiction.  The loss of someone's life is tragic...it's never funny, it's never deserved, and it's never expected even when it is...

If you're struggling with addiction, know that you are worthy of recovery...

Life lessons from Steel Magnolias Part 1: Ham it up

I have been quoting the movie Steel Magnolias for years...and...frankly, if you haven't seen it, you are missing out...as Truvy (portrayed by Dolly Parton) said, "laughter through tears is my favorite emotion."  I can remember howling laughing at Ouiser and Clairee at an age too young to truly appreciate it fully...One of my favorite scenes finds Ouiser and Clairee shopping for food to take to their friend M'Lynn's home while she is in the hospital...(not really a spoliler)...

Ouiser Boudreaux: Clairee, this is just a gesture. We're not feedin' Drum until the end of time.
Clairee Belcher: Drum loves pork and beans. Eats 'em with everything.
Ouiser Boudreaux: That explains a lot.

If there are Southerners around, there will always be comfort food and words of wisdom whether you want it or not...it's a blessing and curse...I don't know how the delivering of food to the sick and bereaved began...and I don't need to know...but it's customary for friends, family and church folks to drop off covered dishes for the family...when my brother died...I swear, I'd never seen so much ham in my life...I've never liked ham which is probably why the image is stained in my memory...the amount of ham became amusing to us all and nice comedic break between tears...sullen faces delivering covered dishes and sandwich platters (oh, the never ending sandwich platter)...their dishes showing their sympathy when no words can do justice...

I never really looked at this tradition as anything more than just that...a tradition...a nice gesture so the family has one less thing to worry about...during a time when the last thing anyone can or wants to do is eat...But to me it became just a little more...I heard from that dish of butter beans... "I don't know what to say, but I'm here, I care."...and that was enough for me...because sometimes the last thing you want to make is small talk...

So don't be afraid to take a dish (homemade or even a sandwich platter), an edible arrangement, bagels, or even fresh fruit - most people aren't thinking about eating and appreciate food to graze on or offer guests(especially the ones who talk a lot). 

"It’s in the Freezes Beautifully section of my cookbook and I want to take something that freezes beautifully."

- Annelle, Steel Magnolias

That day...

Dear Brother:

My friend C and I were out Christmas shopping...you know, not quite last minute...I remember the sun was shining...we were riding in her car...on our way to Target...my cell phone rang...mom was on the other end...she, Uncle G and J were on their way to Columbia...ODD...but not so odd that I questioned them too much...I explained my need to go to Target but mom said I should go straight home...believing that time was on my side I went to Target anyway...maybe not the best decision in retrospect but I knew deep inside that if I didn't go then, it wasn't going to happen...

I hung up the phone...relived the conversation with C...then began speculating the reason for the impromptu jaunt to Columbia...it's only an hour drive and popular Saturday activity for my mom to shop with me...but I went to far sinister places quickly...Uncle G was with mom - my first thought was that Grandaddy was dead...but then why would Uncle G have driven with mom...someone would need to be with Granny...so then I guessed you were dead...but brushed it off...maybe someone was in the hospital...or these guys just wanted to head down to Yesterday's in Five Points for some dinner...I had to babysit that night so I couldn't do much...

Mom was sitting on the steps of the apartment building...Uncle G and J pacing the parking lot...all had to go to the bathroom (or at least that was the story for why everyone was quiet)...It was an awkward moment...mostly I thought I was in trouble for going to Target...extending their wait time for the toilet!  Mom did go straight to the bathroom, Uncle G was silent except for saying to me...that it was really bad or that it wasn't good...I knew already anyway...I was just waiting for the words...

"He's dead," said matter-of-factly...but really what other way is there to say it...I think I yelled, "no, no, no" or something similar...I remember C's hand flying to her mouth then immediately backing out of the room...at a loss for words...I hate she was there...not b/c I didn't want her there but...come on, that's awkward...especially since she and I weren't like besties for years or anything...

I'm not sure if I lost my vision, my ability to hear (as a result of a mild panic attack and shock), or just immediately tuned out...which apparently is my initial reaction to most things...I immediately wanted to be alone but I couldn't...they were there and wanted to comfort me...but I needed a minute to breathe...It didn't come....mom was feverishly packing my clothes...I wanted to do it myself...I know I just needed to control the situation...but I felt like I was watching it happen in slow motion...I was grasping at anything to give myself a since of control and balance in this chaotic moment...I had to ride with them leaving my car behind and the hope of a desperately needed hour alone to check in with myself...calm myself, make a plan for dealing with two grieving parents and the rest of the family...Mom put her head in my lap and cried most of the way home...we had to make a few calls on that drive some I remember, some I still don't...

I was worried about canceling my babysitting job...but mom ever prepared handled it for me before she came to deliver the news...she had actually stopped  in the midst of the enormity of the situation to call BN to tell him I wasn't going to be there...She called my boss to tell him as well...She later told me that she had put herself together until she could get to me.  She didn't want me to find out alone (the way she had, more later on that).

There is a lot that I don't remember about those initial hours...but I knew our lives would never be the same again...our worst fears had come true...the years of jumping at phone calls that came at odd hours...the wait to see how many days you would go missing hoping that you weren't in an alley...preparing mentally for the time that the phone or doorbell rang to deliver the news...preparing to help cope...but hoping that the news would never really come...

It feels selfish to wish you had thought about what we would all have to go through...your parents, your wife, you daughter...even me...People have to go through recovery for themselves not for others...but does the collateral damage get factored in at all?

Show, Tell & Sniff?

There are some things that just should not be part of "Show and Tell":

Several Thomson Elementary School students were taken to a local hospital after handling or ingesting cocaine, authorities said.

Five students were transported to a local hospital. Parents took custody of another student. All children are reportedly okay.

The children taken to the hospital were between 8- and 9-years-old.

Several said they weren't feeling well and were checked out by the nurse.

D.C. police are conducting an investigation at the school, located in the 1200 block of L Street NW.

School officials said four students ingested the cocaine, either orally or by sniffing it.

School officials confirmed that the substance was cocaine. Police tested it on school grounds.

School officials said one child brought the cocaine to school and shared it with the other kids.

Police are speaking to the man who dropped off the child who brought the drugs to school. The student is believed to have picked up the drugs inside the vehicle.

The man could face possible charges, including cruelty to children.

The student who brought the cocaine to school has been charged with possession controlled substance.

Some parents learned about the drug incident through a recorded phone message from the principal.

Others found out when they picked up their child from school.

The school will hold drug education counseling Monday. (TBD)

A parent, step-father in this case, was driving the kid to school with cocaine in the car...the more than obvious reaction to that is - That's not OK!  Coming from the Just Say No generation of kids...I know kids learn about drugs early...so obviously these kids knew what to do with it...but the fourth grader who brought it...probably has more negative education about drugs than will ever be reported in the news...

Asking questions like: What kind of a person carries drugs in the car with their child? What was he thinking? - IS well, pointless...b/c whomever the person is - has become the person using/selling drugs...Now this kid is charged with possession of a controlled substance - a fourth grader...In fourth grade, I was no more interested in drugs than I was in studying for a test...and by that I mean, NOT AT ALL...I know that's not the reality everyone lives in but it seems to me that a 9 year old shouldn't be facing drug charges...You and I snorted a few pixie sticks off of the fireplace...which is weird by itself...obviously we knew snorting drugs was bad...at the time was funny and seemed like child's play...but you're gone bc of drugs...soooooooo...was it foreshadowing???

You and I grew up in the same house but you were smoking in elementary school and using words that definitely would get us a spanking - I didn't smoke my first cigarette until college...Something in you was lured by all the things that we were told to "Just Say No" to...I don't know why....sometimes I ask myself was I a bad sister?  As an older sister, I didn't want my little brother around, you were annoying, terribly clingy, and would never play games the right way (so I was a bit of a control freak even then)...you always wanted "people" (a story for another day) to be the bad guys....I of course wanted a happy little world of make believe...Those are things we should be looking back on now and laughing about...I know our parents were good parents...I was there...but I know they have moments where they blame themselves...they always will...seems to just be natural... 

I don't know that you ever snorted cocaine or would have driven around with your daughter and drugs...but this story is fresh and was on my mind...