Excerpts from a Mother's Diary - Part 1

Our mother started writing a journal the day she found out you were gone...here are some excerpts...

Dear Son:

Today I got the phone call that I knew would always come.  Do you want to hear how I felt?....I begged God to tell me it was not true (But see son my heart had known for weeks)...Son, I began to throw up, I tried to throw my Christmas tree out the window.  I began to throw things around the kitchen. Son I am still alone at this time......I see your daddy, Aunt - I fall to my knees, your daddy looks like he is 100 years old...I begin to scream...I finally beat your daddy's chest and ask him to tell me "they have lied."...Son your sister has to be told, I ask your uncle to take me to Columbia to tell your sister....Son, see you do not know how I had to pull myself together to not only call your sister and act like we are coming to see her for fun.......I knew you had to either have killed yourself or the drugs you took, "took" you this time.  Your daddy did not want to believe this.  No matter how you look at it son, you killed yourself....your sister wants to meet me at Target...I tell her to come to her apartment.  She knows something is wrong.  Son, she too has plans for today, I had to call one of her attorneys and tell them to find another sitter for tonight...Your uncle and I tell her - she screams as only a sister would for her brother.

There will be more to come...as I have trouble remembering some details so these documents help....they've been in storage up until I moved into my new place...

Amy Winehouse - Musician, Artist, Daughter, Friend

My memory of Amy Winehouse will always involve her Back to Black album (2006)...her voice, that retro soul vibe, and catchy lyrics...every store I walked into during my study abroad the summer of 2009 was either playing Amy Winehouse or Michael Jackson as I hopped from country to country...so no matter what language was spoken the music comforted me... her music's impact will never be considered fleeting...and the songs that exist although few will be treated as treasures and serve as inspiration for generations to come...

The world lost a great artist but her friends and family lost a person who held a place in their hearts...these are the people who spent their days and nights worrying about her...hoping she was safe...really hoping that this time was the last time...that recovery road was the path she would choose...she is a person not headline fodder to the people who knew, truly loved, and wished the best for her...

While the world speculates over her death and await a toxicology screening to confirm their suspicious...a family is cursing the disease and maybe even the complications that come with recovery that took their loved one, friends are probably worrying they didn't do enough...I have seen awful mean spirited things written about this talented woman...even by someone in my own family who knows the feeling of losing a family member to addiction.  The loss of someone's life is tragic...it's never funny, it's never deserved, and it's never expected even when it is...

If you're struggling with addiction, know that you are worthy of recovery...

Three Boys on a Train

It has been too long but the well was dry on inspiration...but something happened on Tuesday that sparked a little...

Monday and Tuesday I was able to spend my days in DC because of a training course...so I got to play city girl with my Starbucks and my ear phones navigating my way through the Metro system...it's the little things that make me happy and sound like a huge dorkwad!  Three young guys hopped in at one of the stops...multi colored hair, baggy and even a skinny jean, with pierced faces and ears - two were totally punked out...the third was wearing many fantastic beaded bracelets...they were being loud and deliberate with their conversation...my conclusion after listening was they had just either been profiled by someone or had gotten into some trouble with a Metro cop...I could tell from the way one guy was talking it was weighing heavily on his mind and he was upset and anxious...So he wanted us all to be intimidated by them or to look at them like they were weirdos...so I smiled and laughed at appropriate moments...because it was attention he was seeking I could tell...he was expecting to be cautiously ignored or glared at but...as they put their punk rocker angst on display...He had a look in his eye that I recognized daring me or anyone to say something to him...something to prove maybe or just waiting for our disapproval...they continued talking loudly about getting effed up...all the while fidgeting around the train car...I hated to get off before them but I knew from their conversation they were headed to Maryland...so I smiled one last smile in their direction and exited the train...

In my head I wished that he would say something directly to me or ask me what I was smiling at...because I would have told him that he reminded me of you...that I wasn't scared of his hair or his piercings because afterall...it is just hair and metal...

Javier Colon - My Little Girl

Dear Little Brother:

I'm feeling a little guilty about my rant the other day...I was 'up in a whip' as my friend B would say...but I won't delete...I felt strongly about something and I voiced it...so that's a victory...

Anyway, so if there are TVs in the afterlife, I hope you were watching The Voice...If you weren't a fan of Javier Colon, we are in a fight...but I feel that way about the entire final four...the first time I heard Javier's voice was at an Indigo Girl's concert in Charleston, South Carolina...with in the past 3 years...could have even been last summer but I seriously don't remember...I just know we had sushi for dinner and my friend LF invited a few people to eat with us...and it turned out I knew them already...hilarious moment which I'm purposely underselling...It was an outdoor show but a very intimate setting...tons of people I knew...so we were all chatting and laughing on beautiful coastal summer night...then his voice pierced the darkness...the crowd either completely went silent or I tuned them out...I'm not sure which - B was there with me, maybe she remembers....We were all like - who is this guy and why haven't we heard of him?  So when the first episode of The Voice aired and there was Javier Colon - Me = Instant Fan!

Javier has a song he wrote for his little girl...and it brought tears to my eyes...I wonder if you got the chance to write your little girl a song...I know you wrote our mom and your wife songs...so I hope somewhere there is a song for her...so she can understand just how much her daddy loved loves her.  

A post without a blog...

Words need a home...some make it on to t-shirts, bumper stickers, in books, magazines, as subtitles, and even over on postsecret.com...So after reading that one of my favorite bloggers has stopped blogging (at least for the time being because that girl has a gift and a story to tell and I don't think she's finished), my first thought was, well that's crap...but after I stopped being selfish...I thought maybe there should be a place for blog posts without a home...so since I write to my brother and sometimes just to the world wide web void and then there are those precious few who feel the need to read my syntax error filled ramblings...which let's be honest sometimes just aren't that entertaining...To you all I propose...

Submit a blog post, any blog post, I will post it on my blog anonymously...(also I am under no obligation to post content that I find rude or offensive)...I don't care if the post is happy, sad, or angry BUT I suggest that you not include names or pictures of people...email posts to ltrs2mybrother@gmail.com 

Faith - Gotta have it...

Listen to me first....

The song above really spoke to me after my brother died...Everyone including my parents talked about praying for him and his sobriety...but it didn't come...and his addiction killed him...some people don't know how to digest unanswered prayers that end with tragedy...and I think this song speaks to that...I posted the song above because the words reach out to those experiencing the most difficult moments in their lives...some people think an HP can rescue them simply by just believing or through many many hours of prayer...the truth is that no one promised a perfect life...there is no immunity from pain and suffering on this Earth...we're all going to experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows...

I'm not one to shout from the rooftops about my faith, write Bible verses on my Facebook status or tell people I'm praying for them...it's not my style...but I have faith in an HP...I've avoided talking about God or an HP on my blog because that's just the way I am...but since this blog is partially about grief and partially about substance abuse...and I see mentions of an HP so often on Twitter...I thought the topic relevant...

I like the idea that there is something bigger than me...looking out for me...maybe even trying to guide me in the right direction...because there are so many external factors bigger than me that aren't on my side...I need to know there is an unconditional love (besides my dog)...our individual worlds are fragile...easily shaken by death, drugs, a break up or even just a really bad day...it's easy to blame your HP when things go South...b/c sometimes there seems like there is no other place to put it...but God or your HP can be a source of strength to lean on when it feels like the whole world has abandoned you...I never blamed God for the death of my brother or for his addiction...because I also believe in free will...

If anyone else has any thoughts, please share...anonymously or not...you can also feel free to email me any comment privately...ltrs2mybrother@gmail.com

Nike - Just Don't (edited on 7/2/2011)

According to the article I just read on CNN.com - Nike doesn't seem to see drug heavy references on the pictured t-shirts in their own display window...while I know that they are appealing to the X-treme sport market - COME ON guys...at least admit to the purposeful ambiguity of DOPE and GET HIGH - I'd have to consult some skaters and snowboarders...maybe even some BMXers but does anyone say GET HIGH?!?  Am I so out of touch that I don't know this...I mean, I'm sure the goal is to get higher but...is the phrase "Get High" part of the X-treme sport vernacular?  I consulted the Urban Dictionary - there is no definition listed related to X-treme Sports...so if I'm out of the loop so is the Urban Dictionary...

I'm sure a majority of parents don't want their middle schooler or even high schooler wearing a shirt with the F word on it...but I don't see a direct drug reference either and I kind of like it but wouldn't wear it b/c I'm not young or cool enough...pick your battles, I guess...I guess when you're trying to break in a market that has been largely dominated by Vans, Volcom, QuickSilver and the like...you have to find a niche...but I believe the point will be proven when I see a dude on the news who has never exerted any X-treme energy in his life arrested for possession with intent to distribute wearing his Nike Dope shirt...

This is one of those things that has changed in me...I see the humor in these shirts...and I see the slang words but I also see the double meaning...and so now...all I see is a 8 yo with saggy britches, a sideways ball cap and a t-shirt with the words GET HIGH covering his entire torso toting a skateboard...I most specifically picture this really cute blond foul mouthed 2nd grader from day camp wearing this shirt...he was my favorite and certainly impressionable...even in 2nd grade he would have known what GET HIGH and DOPE meant...